If you are absolutely new to
motorcycles, being a passenger, and all things the Harley – Davidson lifestyle
is, or at least what you as a newbie think it is, here is my top-ten list that
may, but probably won’t, help you through that first few weeks.
Step One: Go out and buy yourself
a butt-load of Harley clothes. Sculls, rhinestones, leather, assorted gear, orange
and black shield anything. Brace yourself; it’s expensive. You are about to pay
$23 for a pair, yes A, as in one, pair of socks.
Step Two: Dress yourself out
in your new gear. Remember to take the tags off even though everybody is going
to know with absolute certainty that your regalia is new. (Extra tip: Watch three to five videos on
YouTube to make sure you get your new bandana tied right) Now show up at your
first big Harley event in your Kia Soul. Brace yourself, you’re gonna look like
a tool.
Step Three: Actually take a
ride on a Harley. Remember to pee first, don’t worry about anything else,
because if you don’t crap yourself the first time you hit 70 mph surrounded by
18-wheelers whose drivers are texting, you’ll take care of it as soon as you
get home.
Step Four: Post pictures of
yourself on the back of the bike all over Facebook, Twitter, where ever. Brace
yourself; everyone you know will feel compelled to comment with stories of all
the gory, horrible ways that you are going to die. The comments will grow in
intensity as your family and friends try to outdo each other with tales of death
and dismemberment that has befallen everyone they have ever known, or at least
was a cousin of everyone they have ever known that dared to lay a butt cheek on
a motorcycle.
Step Five: Start planning
your trip to Sturgis. This may sound premature, but it is going to take years
to get your derriere callused up enough to make that long of a ride.
Step Six: Stop stress eating
or you’re going to get a jelly-roll that hangs out from under your $47 Harley
tee-shirt.
Step Seven: Harley girls are sexy; own it. Even with a
jelly-roll and/or saddle bags. Brace yourself, in this case meaning your girls.
Get them puppies up high and tight because you are going to get bounced around
a lot. (Extra tip: Try not to hit your old man in the back of their helmet with
the front of your helmet every time there’s a bump in the road.)
Step Eight: Tuck your
ponytail in your jacket before a long highway ride. You may think you look cute
with that low slung pony streaming from the back of your helmet like a flag
that says “Hey look at me, I am from the country of YEAH-I’M-HOT-STUFF-ISTAN. But when you get home, good luck getting all
the tangles out of that thing. And when you do, you are going to find stuff
that you cannot identify.
Step Nine: Chilax. Enjoy the
ride. Go up in the mountains. Brace yourself, you’re gonna get hooked.
Step Ten: Start shopping for
your own bike.
Bonus Step: Once you get a
bike, you can avoid looking like a tool, (see step two) by spending a little
less on clothes and actually buying some tools and learn how to use them!
